I'm here waiting for my work day to really start and have a lot of thoughts running through my head.
The past few months have been full of sitting and thinking, waiting for answers, and wishes for things to change or to make sense.
- Waiting to hear how my grandma's chemo treatments are going.
- Waiting to hear how my mom's test results are going.
- Wishing things could have turned out better in regards to JJ.
- Waiting to hear back from someone who could join us for a benefit concert for the Stones.
- Wishing for peace.
- Sitting up late at night, waiting and wishing for sleep to come.
- Sitting deciding how to help plan Ben and Jacquelle's wedding.
- Waiting for people to make up their minds.
- Waiting and wishing for answers.
- Sitting making plans for my future.
- Waiting for parts of my future to unfold so I can better plan.
- Wishing I could achieve my goal to become debt free more quickly.
I know that I may not get many of these answers when I want them or how I want them, and I'm just being incredibly impatient. Through priesthood blessings I've been told that the Lord is aware of the thoughts and pains of my heart, and that in His own time things will work.
In the mean time, I'm still hurting, sitting, waiting, wishing, for something to suddenly make sense. Thanks for your patience with me.
While I'm still hurting, I'll still be a little crazy. But, as I've said before, I try to only surround myself with awesome people, and they usually know how to help me feel better and learn the patience I need.
I know this is kind of a downer - post, and I apologize. I just needed to get a few things off of my chest. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure that's what blogger is for dear! To say things in writing to anyone willing to read. Patience isn't the easily value, I understand completely. What helps me calm slightly down is to try to just worry about what I have control over at that exact moment. The rest will fall into place. Only use energy on situations you can control, and above all, let it be :)
ReplyDeleteCan I just say amen to a lot of this? I mean, I'm not waiting for test results on loved ones or anything... but I, too, am waiting for some people to make up their minds, or the right time to act, or answers as to how to best achieve my goals and whatever else... but you know what? I've decided today that I should probably be a lot braver. I need to stop worrying about what others might think and tiptoeing around people's feelings, especially my own. In other words, although I want to live in the service of other people, I still want to live my own dang life. That means doing what I want to do how I want to do it, and choosing for myself who I want to be with... that kind of thing. But you know, Emily, one thing I can promise you is that there will be a day when suddenly things do make sense. You won't have all of the answers, but what little is clear to you, what little does fall into recognizable place, will be enough. Am I there yet? Heck no. But what I do know is that there are many paths that we can take, with many people to call us on their many branches... but maybe the path that will work for us best is the one that we forge ourselves, cutting through doubt, fear and uncertainty. In the meantime, as I, too, wander, I try to keep my heart open to any weary traveler like myself who is in need of rest, for in my heart there is a place for each of them, and they can stay for as long as they want.
ReplyDeleteThat was poetic. Deal with it. Anyway, remember what I told you a while ago about hope? Here's the extended version: Life will do its very best to make you lose sight and alter what you KNOW is right... And if that knowledge weakens, believe. If you cannot believe, hope... and if hope is all you have left, than (fer cryin' out loud) hope with all you've got.
Everything is going to be okay.